Chasing My Tail Around the Sun

 

For the first time in over three years, I'm going home.

It's been so long that I don't even know what to expect. Outside of life with my sisters, I've mostly forgotten what it was like to exist in the US. Plus, I'd imagine that it's changed from what I remember.

The last time I went home the Harri-bou-bou still lived there and I wasn't as set in my ways here. We didn't have dogs, I didn't have commitments and I felt that I might somehow go for a visit and get stuck there.  Something I desperately didn't want. My entire being vibrated with the fear that I'd be forced to give up before I'd really even begun.

Three years later it's a very different situation. My drama has found it's stride. I'm settled into a comfortable life with substantial friendships, some semblance of a career, side projects, puppies, a passable grasp on the language, and I'm content in it all. So content I'm not even worried about losing it. It's just something that is right now and someday may not be anymore. Either way it's alright because I've done it right. My goals have been accomplished, my questions have been answered.

After this trip things will change. I doubt I'm moving back the the US anytime soon, but I will be going home more and I will be spending more time with friends and family. From here my world gets bigger again and I'm excited about that.

Move over food blogs, my life goes here.

How the blog feels right now.

Although I've avoided creating a location dependent useful blog, I've finally jumped off the cliff and created South of Seoul.  I already manage this blog (Until We Meet Again), The Expat Table, and NaeNae Korean so doing one more wasn't of interest to me.  However, not many folks have lived in this area very long and people ask me for information regularly so having blogs with addresses and info is easier than answering the same question a hundred times.  I tried just posting them on this blog, but it just messes up my flow.

This blog isn't supposed to be about anything.  It's not supposed to be useful, it's just where I ramble about crap so I can get my brain right.  Kind of like a journal everyone is allowed to see, but nobody is really supposed know about.  Except that now they do. Apparently thousands of people each month now stroll through my drama.  Which is fine, but also weird because they might not really care.  They might just be looking for a burger or a Korean grammar point.  

Which is why I'm getting my act together and getting rid of some of the clutter.  So, for those of you who are caught up in the drama, feel free to stick around.  But if you are just interested in finding lunch or passing your exams, check out my other blogs and you will find more of what you are looking for in easier to search formats.  You don't have to sort through all my issues just to find a good sandwich.

South of Seoul:  Things to eat and do around Pyeongtaek

The Expat Table: Expat oriented cooking and gardening website.

NaeNae Korean:  Help for those studying Korean, especially the KIIP program

Desk warming, More like Heart Warming

My favorite spot for studying and thinking about things

For the last four years I've listened to teachers complain about something called desk warming.  This is where you are required to be at work, but actually have no required work to do.  In short, you have eight hours you need to be "at work" but you can do anything you want with this time.  Even as I write this I think, "How can anyone possibly hate this?"

Of course, I tried not to judge because, as a hagwon teacher I had not walked a mile in their shoes.  Yah, well, now I have walked in said shoes and I'm calling it, "The bitching and moaning is cray cray." This is my dream come true.  Weeks on end of eight straight hours where no one can bother me while I do my projects.  Let's see, what am I doing?

Writing books

Yoga

Studying Korean

Talking to my family

Blogging

Researching things

Practicing basketball & volleyball

Staring at the wall (my fave)

Looking at trees

Listening to sounds

Researching grad schools

(Eventually doing grad school)

Generally relaxing without being bothered

In short, it's the vacation I've always wanted.
Without the expectation to have fun, I can actually relax
and then go home to my own bed.

There is no way to meet anyone, go anywhere, or doing anything spectacular or interesting.  This is dedicated me time just for thinking and doing stuff.  This is so much cooler than the coolest job I could have dreamed of, because on top of this dedicated "me time" I'm also granted 20 vacation days for the adventures that I do want to have.

Even just now, I got tired of blogging, pulled out the yoga mat and did a bit work on my back.  You never even noticed, neither did my boss. Oh, wait, there went another good 30 minutes checking out Kpop dance tutorials. Once again, no one was bothered by my lack of focus or motivation.  Desk warming is my new favorite hobby.

Oh the books I will write, the restaurants I will review, the food swaps I will plan, the Korean students I will help.

One Thing Leads to Another

All we have out here is each other. So hang on tight.

When I watch Diego and Nyx rough and tumble across our floor I not only reminded of the miracle of their survival, but also the miracle of the human hearts ability to love during the most difficult times. Sure, I know what you might be thinking, "Hey crazy dog lady, it's just some dogs. Don't get too carried away." 

Well, what you might not know is that both of our little cuddle monsters came from homes filled with the love and compassion of migrant/refugees from the middle east who, with nothing of their own, still found time to love something that didn't deserve any of their precious time or limited emotional energy.

While worrying about their families safety, their human rights, their visas, sending money to their families, finding jobs, living without community - they still had space in their hearts to love something that couldn't even care for itself.  In Diego's case, they loved something that didn't even have the emotional capacity to really be kind to them in return. He loved them, but he couldn't control himself enough to always be kind.

Years later, Diego's rescue dad has become one of our dearest friends. He is an amazing person who works tirelessly in a stressful job to support his family that remains in Syria while also fighting for refugee status for - not only himself - but also the rest of his family so they can join him in Korea. During this struggle, he has still found time to reach out and help us when we have needed it. A fact that leaves us very humbled. 

So, when I see my puppies rough and tumbling around the floor I'm reminded that I am wealthy.  I'm reminded that I have the time and resources to help those around me.  I'm reminded that compassion is the answer, not fear.  I'm reminded that Syrian refugees aren't an abstract concept in the news. They are part of the reason my Diego lives in my house. The reason I have a car that drives even when I didn't have the money for parts. The reason the Harri-bou-bou has a friend to climb with on the weekends.  We sit here so blessed by this friendship and wonder how we can begin to give back.

Why do I write this? Because I want you to know when you support refugees you support people who make a difference in this world. You empower the best kind of people.  When I say support, I don't mean just money.  I mean give them compassion, give them an ear to tell their story, understand what they have given up to be there next to you, understand that they loved what they left behind, give them friendship when they are alone. Do this because sometimes when the world is darkest, you don't need money, you need hope.

Basically, I write this in hopes that one person somewhere will be motivated to reach out to someone next to them that looks different, that sounds different, that is struggling in a new home with a new language, and just say, "Hey, let's be friends." Because that's how things go from being abstract to concrete, and it's how we find what we need most in the world - each other... and puppies.

It's not all beaches and laptops

Five Expat Misconceptions

1: We are all sitting on a beach drinking margaritas and working on our website.  

Sure, that's the article that makes the front page of the Travel and Leisure section, but that's not all of us.  Some of us don't want to spend our lives living out of a backpack, chasing wifi signals.  We want a home, benefits, bread makers, and health club memberships.  We have real jobs that go on real resumes and require advanced degrees.  It's not the stable life that we are running away from, but that we are running towards.  We have discovered that jobs outside our home countries provide better stability than we found back home so we embrace international careers.

2. We are 25 years old without a care in the world.

Many of us are adults and we have responsibilities.  We have retirement plans to build, mortgages to pay, health issues to balance, student loans to complain about, spouses to consider, and children to raise.  We didn't choose this lifestyle because we have no worries, we chose this lifestyle so we could meet our obligations while also living our dreams.  Through research and determination, we found a way to have our cake and eat it too.  

3. We want to travel every second of every day.

It's not always about the next place.  Some of us land in a country and love it.  We spend our vacations having stay-cations and/or returning to our home countries to visit family. Just because we are expats, it doesn't mean we are headed to a new country every weekend to drink cocktails and practice the limbo.  Instead we are cleaning our homes, running errands, and meeting friends for lunch - just like we did back home but with the added challenge of trying to read the fine print in another language.

4. We are running away from relationships and community.

Yes, certainly.  Some people became expats to change their situation in life, however, expats are some of the most relationship/ community focused people in the world.  We value every friend we make and we go to great lengths to maintain them across time and space.  We have only each other and we value that.  Many of us stay expats to remain a part of this community because we have finally found the place that we belong and the people that support us.

5. We aren't living in the real world.

If you think that expats aren't living in the "real world" you are sorely mistaken.  We are dealing with the direct effects of the government policies of multiple nations on a daily basis. We face wars, coups, financial crashes, and religious craziness constantly.  Each time our visas come up for renewal we have to fight to keep our lives and our dreams afloat while pushing against the tide of changing policies in languages we don't understand. Just because our lives aren't built on a traditional blueprint doesn't make them any less real, it's just makes them really fun for us.

Public Displays of Napping

I need naps.

I embrace naps.

I practice naps.

Hidden throughout the cities and countryside,

beneath the leaves and between the trees,

 are napping havens.

Sometimes I just stop what I am doing

take of my shoes and rest.

There is no reason to be tired

in a culture that accepts cat naps

as a normal part of life.

Put your pride aside,

let down your guard,

stretch out and relax.

Listen to the birds,

watch the sun in the leaves,

enjoy the banter of grandmothers.

Be still in public 

and say, "I am home."

You will be amazed at what you will discover

about yourself and the world around you.

A quick stretch and rest on these do a stiff back good.

Feel free to kick off your shoes and crash.

Follow Your Road

My favorite riding area in Pyeongtaek

For the past four years I have done my best to live my own story and stay out of the general ex-pat drama.  Due to my alternate lifestyle growing up, this was rather easy for me. I'm accustomed to isolation and entertaining myself, building a world of my own making.  Part of that process, since I moved to Korea, has involved documenting my own drama and keeping track of the things that amuse me.  I say this to explain that this is not a lifestyle blog or really even an ex-pat blog, it's just the ramblings of countryside hermit as she weaves a life out of new thread.

Lately though, I've started to feel bad about hording the information that I have acquired during my time here and I've started putting together more informational blogs to share with others.  I do this with great trepidation, because I'm not really someone who wants to be "involved in the conversation". I prefer to talk to myself, alone, while semi-lost on mountain trails.

So why am I telling you this? So that you understand this blog just documents my life.  The things I write about here are the things I do and the way I do them.  I'll do my best to provide you with the details I gather on my journeys, but I'm not trying to be Korea's greatest travel expert and I don't want you to walk in my footsteps.  You are living your story and your drama.  You might not have a car, it doesn't mean you can't still go where I go - it will just look different. Don't let it stop you. Go out there and do all the stuff.  There are many roads to every destination, each one is filled with it's own delights.

Home Happens

 Sometimes you're just working away,

in a far away country, in a far away land.

Then, one day, you discover your home.

Ratings Always Ruin The Best Shows

This blog is not supposed to be useful.

It's with great hesitation

that I include useful information.

Like many long running dramas,

popularity often dilutes the storyline

as viewers opinions become more and more

influential in determining the plot.

It would be grand

if I never knew the ratings.

If I could just write 

and think 

and have opinions

and pretend that no one ever saw them.

However, that's not really how blogging platforms work.

Every time I log in, there it is.

A graph that declares the winners and losers

and it compels me to be helpful.

Like the devil on my shoulder,

it tells me to add links 

and maps 

and accurate information 

because people are searching 

and needing 

and requiring.

But really, I just write this for myself

and the others in this drams.

So that we can remember 

the best episodes 

once our time together 

has gone off the air.

None of this is meant to be anything beyond 

the memory of my Drama.

The Search For Life

After a winter of thinking, 

spring has brought such lovely light.

It's so nice to be comfortable,

my life having found a pleasant gate.

It's interesting the evolution 

from isolation to integration.

I have forgotten what was once strange.

It now seems so normal and obvious.

Ways of thinking that seemed ridiculous,

now seem filled with reason and purpose.

Of course, I'm certainly an "outsider",

I'm aware of that,

but just because one is an outsider

that doesn't mean one isn't integrated.

 At least for me...

I see integration as comfort,

and I am comfortable.

 

So I now find myself more concerened

with participating in the world around me

rather than observing the world around me.

And I just want to report from the other side that

there is a life beyond our borders.

Whether it be 

emotional,

spiritual

or physical.

There is life out there.

All we have to do is take the steps.

A Rose By Any Other Name

As an English teacher I've become more and more aware of how words change meanings within context, and that the way we intend a word may differ from how another person understands it.

Lately I've come to feel that when I refer to something as being "Korean" it creates a feeling/experience of "US v. Them" for many people.  When I realized this, I felt a great sense of sadness, but also of guilt.  The realization that my words, which I thought were drawing parallels of similarity, might have been heard as differences made me feel like an irresponsible communicator.

To me the term "Korean" it simply a locator.  It tells where I am and who I am talking to.  However, as I've read more commentary and listened to others talk about the country, I've realized "Korean" is often used to denote this "US v. Them" view of the world that makes me sad and uncomfortable.

The thing that I love and celebrate about my life in this country isn't that it is so much different from me, but so much the same.  I love being around so many experiences that I've missed while living in the lower 48.  The kids I celebrate because I love everything about who they are and what they do.  It's not because they are Korean and I think they are different or strange.  The photos I take of old things are because I missed old things and I think they are the prettiest things I see in a day.  I'm not pointing out that Korea has lots of junk.  (I mean, it does but I love that and I'm happy about it because I love junk.)

As I've learned more about folks from The States and how they think, I've slowly realized that when I tack the term "Korean" onto things people attach a white, middle class, Americana "US v Them" perspective to the content.  What sucks is that I actually have a limited, at best, understanding of this cultural perspective that I can't escape.

Since I can't change how people see be based on how I look, I'm going to change what I can which is the language I use to talk about the world around me.  Instead of referring to things as "Korean" or "Western" I'll change my language to use more words like local, transient, temporary, traditional, global, or present to reflect my thoughts on where I am and where I've come from.  Hopefully this will allow people to shed some of their preconceived notions.

It's not like anyone has made a big deal out of how I use "Korean" I just feel like it gets in the way of what I want to say about life and the world around me.  I see how they use the term and I realize it's not what I want my message to be mixed up with.

It might seem like a stupid little thing to focus on, but I feel it's important because I love my friends from all over the world.  They are my family.  They aren't some sort of collected trophy on my global wall of friends.  It's important to me that folks understand their value and importance in my life and don't dismiss them as my "Korean" friends.

The Enemy Will Be My Friend

There was no midnight.

No sunset and no sunrise.

There was no beginning or end.

2012 simply became 2013

somewhere over the sea
smack dab between
between what was and is me.

Somehow it seemed fitting

that no line was drawn between my past and present.

I spent my Dragon year

connecting the dots
and following them like
stepping stones.

I moved as carefully as I could,

always forward but not always smoothly.

That's how I found my solid ground.

Now we walk in the year of the snake.

The animal of which I am most afraid.

It's the year of mending two lives,

bringing together what was with what is.

The plan remains simple,

this year I will let the snake coil around me.

I'll hold still and let it mend the past to the present

so that there is no beginning or end.

Different Track, Different Directions

Very often in life, like - you know- everyday, I feel that I got on the wrong train going in the right direction.  Whenever I bother to glance out the window, although we bought the same tickets, it feels like I'm watching my compatriots flowing by on a different track.

Living in Korea has been no exception.  When living here first became my future I hadn't actually given a lot of thought to the expat community, I was moving to Korea to live in Korea and play by their rules.  Learning the language and acquiescing to prevailing cultural expectations was my priority.  It was my opinion that to live in Korea successfully I would need to live by their rules to find peace and happiness.

This mentality has lead me down paths I know most foreigners would not have appreciated.  Twice I have been sent, with little notice, to different schools so I would "be more comfortable".  Without a doubt, accepting these changes without conflict was terrifying.  Especially because they happened before I could more easily understand and express myself in Korean.

However, each time they were the right decisions.  My employers did know what was best for me and they did place me in schools for which my life was better suited.  Now, only a year and a half into my time here, I find myself in my dream job.  The school is stable, my boss kind and smart, my students are wildly fun, my apartment is beautiful and new, the community is friendly and everything else I could really want is in my life.

Without a doubt, I've felt respected and cared for by my community here in Korea.  One employer was kind enough to express that "I'm a Korean Teacher and a Foreigner Teacher at the same time", my current boss said she felt "we were of the same mind" and many kind students have expressed that I am, in fact, Korean now.  These things warm my heart and encourage me when I struggle to learn the new language and cultural expectations.

However, I know that my experience is not that of many foreigners teaching here.  I read their blogs, or talk to them in passing and I hear about a Korea I don't know and have not met.  It is distant to me, one of those trains passing in a different direction.

For better or worse, I draw the curtain on these ghost cars and focus the smiles in the world around me.  It seems unfair to cast judgment on my community based on the experiences of others.  Until my train jumps tracks or crashes into the sea, I'm going to keep feeling loved, appreciated, respected and accepted no matter what the last blog or bitter ex-pat says.

I'm quite certain many folk who catch my train as it trundles by think, "My god, that woman is so naive, that train isn't headed where she thinks it is!" but that's ok.

I'm not looking to be cool or right.

I'm just looking to be left alone to endlessly enjoy the magical journey and not worry to much about where it might be taking me.