All Hope Is Lost... until next time I hope

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Sitting in a cold, moldy basement I started to question my existence, life choices, and the futility of hope.  I walked through all the choices in my life that had brought me to this point and I deemed them wrong.  At times I could hear my teacher talking, but mostly I focused on the six hour game of phone solitaire that I was playing in hopes that it might help me cling to some small part of sanity.  It those moments I realized that dreams aren't worth it.  The only thing that mattered was not losing my mind.

That was me yesterday. Trying to cope with my final 8 hour class taught be the worst teacher I have ever had. Today I actually do want to live again, but I'm still not sold that dreams are worth it.  I'm mentally drained and the sound of all languages makes me twitch.  The sight of my text book, straight up makes me want to cry.  Thankfully most of my English classes are cancelled and I can spend the day meditating on what's important. It might help me find a sliver of that inner peace I used to promote as, "The most important thing" before I stuffed it in a gutter for two years while I attempted to complete the KIIP program.

Two weeks from now I will take the final exam for the second time, and I will fail it for a second time. Despite intense effort, I simply haven't been able to reach the level they require in the time allotted. It's maddening. However, I also know it's not from lack of trying or lack of knowing. I'm just not a person who can memorize and regurgitate. I'm a slow methodical person who has to understand everything in great detail - so I can't make the deadline.  I'm still learning the language and they want me to be memorizing data.

Has the journey been worth it?  It's hard to say. Sitting in class for 6-8 hours nearly every Sunday for years, for me, can only be described as psychologically crushing. Especially since, for 1.5 years, I was studying at least 6-8 hours a day on top of that. In the intensity I lost all grasp on all languages I speak, along with sanity, and control of my emotions.  I felt mental and physical pain from learning.  I've never experienced anything like it. It was as if my brain was being ripped apart and rewired and, frankly, I couldn't handle it. Especially because it felt like I never improved. I'm still so far from where I need to be it's humiliating.

You might think, "Good lord, how stupid must she be? Who studies that much and still can't pass a test?"  A person with Dyslexia, that's who.  It was so hard to overcome this. No matter how many times I saw things I couldn't get it to stick right.  Each time it looked new or different. Thankfully I overcame this with colored film, but the time was still lost. As they say, those are years you can't get back.

There was also that whole 6 months of bed rest after an injury the day before KIIP started, along with a year of pain killers and rebuilding my left leg that made it a bit difficult to focus, but- honestly - that was nothing compared to the mental pain so I kind of forget about it these days.  Let's just say that there were many battles being fought and, for a long time, I felt like I was losing all of them.

So, after yesterdays little mental collapse, I'm staring down the barrel of this final test I'm just like, "Screw it. I'm done."  I'm not going to cram for this.  Yes, I'll have to take the class one more time, but at this point I don't even care because I NEED it.  I'm not the person who can pick up a new language in a minute.  I need it jammed into my thick skull by force until my brain is so miserable it just gives up and accepts the new reality.

So, for all of you out there trying to keep you head above the KIIP waters. Fighting!!! Our misery will end someday as long as we just keep showing up.  Some of us will be rewarded, not for our intelligence, but our sheer stubbornness and that's good enough for me.