Sunday, July 19, 2015

Un-clench Thy Buttocks and Go To A Jjimjilbang

Alright, to be clear, I'm a jimjillbong/public bath-addict.  Sometimes I wonder if I should just move into one and stop paying rent on my house.  It took me about nine months to get up the nerve to give one a try, and immediately felt like it was nine months of my life I had wasted. Maybe I'm weird, but I can't see why anyone would say no to a 9,000\ spa day. I encourage everyone to give it a try at least once. Of course, your are going to need to un-clench your buttocks in order to do so.  Here are the top reasons those with clenched buttocks won't enjoy the experience.

Nudity. Yes, you are going to need to strut around in your birthday suit.  You are going to sit, buck naked next to complete strangers.  Since this is a family affair, those strangers kids might climb up into your lap and then decided to use your naked body as a water slide for the next half hour.  However, this is a worst case scenario. This does not happen often, but it might so be kind and understanding if it does.

You are also going to see children scrubbing their elders backs and friends washing each others hair.  You are going to see all kinds of people being perfectly at ease with nudity. They might even look at you a bit because, quite frankly, you look different and it's no big deal.  So strike a pose and flash a smile.  Nobody cares. Being naked ain't no thing here.

Prison Uniform.  Ok not really a prison uniform - but kind of. In order to go into the shared section of the facilities you will need to wear the provided shorts and t-shirt, "Oh my gardddd. Not matching, unflattering clothes.  NOOOOOO. I can't possibly do that in front of strangers, we would never have to do that back home."  Tell that stupid voice to scram, un-clench those buttocks. You might just like it. These days I relish my prison uniform time.  It makes me feel quit sassy and carefree.

Floor Sleeping. That's right, if you really want to maximize the relaxation you are going to curl up on the floor, put your head on a block and take a nap between saunas.  It's going to be uncomfortable the first few times because thy buttocks have been clenched (literally, not joking here) tight for so long.  Your hips are actually entirely out of alignment and it makes floors uncomfortable.  It's not the floors fault, it's those clenched buttocks.  So work on relaxing, eventually it will feel delightful.

Sleeping Next to Strangers.  "Oh, that's just not safe" your stupid butt says.  Tell your butt to stop, relax, and let go of whatever has been wedged up there for so long.  Folks will be surprisingly uninterested in your sexy self in your prison uniform.  It seems they will be too busy talking to their friends, playing with their children, and taking naps.

Crawling into an Oven.  There might be saunas that are basically human size pizza ovens that require you get down and crawl through a small tunnel into a small cavernous space where you will once again, lay on the floor with strangers in blazing heat.  Your butt will scream from it's clenched lips, "No WAY IN HELL!"  Don't listen, get down, crawl into that oven and sweat out every last drop of stress.

Strangers Scrubbing Your Naked Body. Optional, Bonus Un-clench.  "Whaattt?" Ok, don't panic.  It's optional. Not everyone is ready for this on the first try, but if you level up to this you wont be sorry. After the ladies (for women) or men (for dudes) scrub you down you will have the skin of a new born baby.  You will also learn that you are a dirty disgusting person and feel great shame.  Still worth it.

So, do you have what it takes to un-clench those buttocks?  I know it's hard.  These are all things you have judged harshly for so long, but what if you could change how you saw the world in one afternoon while getting the kind of rest you have only dreamed about?  Wouldn't it be worth it?

These are two my friends and I enjoy.

Name:  그랜드사우나, 031-665-7227,
Address: 경기도 평택시 지산동 579 , 

Name: 천둥산레저피아, 031-682-5394,
Address: 경기도 평택시 안중읍 현화리 831 붐붐프라자 3층, 
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